It's amazing how a seemingly small thing to someone else can be a giant thing to the next person. It's hard to see ourselves through someone's eyes. We make assumptions and we think we know how they will react because we "know them so well." But we don't ever truly know someone, do we? We are all ever evolving creatures... never quite the same one minute to the next.
In the thirty something years I have been alive I have come to know (and generally disdain) that things are constantly in movement. The only constant thing in life is change. As a Cancer I crave predictability and stability. I want things to stay the same. I have a hard time dealing with the reality of life and that things change every single day. It makes me anxious. It has also made me become the "responsible one." I don't want to change too much because there are people who I think need me to be the same. Yes, I have made my fair share of mistakes. But I am less likely to take uncalculated chances because I don't want to disappoint the people who depend on me.
As a teenager I was a good kid. I followed 99% of the rules, came home on time, didn't sneak out, did well in school, didn't partake in questionable activities because I was "raised better than that." I "knew better" because my biggest fear was disappointing my Parents and Grandparents. As the oldest child I have always felt the weight of being a role model for my brothers and sisters. My Parents/Grandparents counted on me for this and I played the part mostly perfectly.
I grew up feeling responsible for everyone and everything. Even though I know that my siblings are their own people I still feel responsible for the things they do or don't do. I think "if only" I could have told them or taught them better then none of these bad things would have ever happened.
Not only has this mindset given me a heavier burden to bear it has also led me to become very narcisitic. Why should everything the people I love do reflect upon me? Why does everything come back to being about me? That's a hard question to ask yourself. It's even harder to look in the mirror and wonder who you really are.
I am a grown up.... with kids, a husband, a mortgage, two dogs, etc. (you know... all the markers that mean you have grown up responsibilities) And at 31 I only have a small idea of who I really am.
There are so many things that I am liberal about: my religious views, my parenting views, body modification, so on and so forth. But there are things that I am so close minded about without even knowing quite sure if that's how I really feel about those issues.
I think most of my searches for "truth" ended when I came to a conclusion about an issue and then never revisited it. I thought "truth" was a one time journey and that once you got to your truth it would be forever. So much for the ever evolving mind. It's so absurd to me that I thought I was the knew it all. How crazy to think that the world should revolve around my thought processes? What the heck is wrong with me? And how did I get here?
The last 2 weeks have been full of soul searching, trying to re-evaulate my thought processes, trying to pull away the emotions tied to certain topics and to really feel how I feel without thinking that what everyone else does has to do with me! I often hear "Why do you take it so personally?" It's in my nature, I wear my heart on my sleeve. My Cancerian ways simply can't help themselves.
When the people you know and love give you constructive criticism about yourself it is unnerving. It really makes you question your relationship (especially the one with yourself!) and how you are going to move forward with them. It's hard to separate myself from my opinions.... even harder to acknowledge that I am forever a work in process and none of my "truths" are ever final.
So here I am trying every day to be more open to change, to be more accepting of other people's choices and to realize that it's not all about me. It's a small step in the right direction and hopefully one that will bring me to a place where I no longer feel like I'm being pressured to be who other people want me to be. And maybe, just maybe, I'll figure out who I am along the way.
