Keeping Up Appearances

I'm guilty of putting up an image of what I want other people to think my life is like.  Most of us are, but are we willing to admit it?  Do we even see it?

When I was in the process of divorcing my first husband I thought "keeping it real" with myself and others meant complete honesty.  While honesty generally in the best policy, being too honest was a problem for me.  It wasn't just about telling the truth for me, it was about telling too much of the truth.  Not everyone needed to know why my marriage fell apart.  I didn't need to justify myself or tell them every detail about why it didn't work.  Being honest was a good first step, but learning to guard the details of my life was an important lesson as well.

I really struggle with the things I post and if they are appropriate.  Do I want people to know this about me?  Am I being too vulnerable?  What kind of message am I putting out there?  A lot of posts become drafts that never get published.  I don't want you to take me the wrong way.

Like you I am human and 100% flawed.  I judge people and people judge me.  I take things the wrong way and I get offended.  It's part of life.  I don't think everyone should think like I do (I also don't force my beliefs, religious or otherwise, on people) because then the world would be a boring place with only one train of thought.

Is there more to life than what I post on my blog and social media?  Absolutely.  There are struggles I don't write about, because not everyone needs to know everything. 

However,  I believe in putting my best food forward.  I believe in keeping up my own personal appearance because people will treat me only as well as I treat myself.  But how much of that is for my own self preservation?  How much of that is putting on airs?

Keeping up appearances... is it worth it?  Is it a projection of who you want to be or is it a refusal to let go of who you used to be?  At the end of the day are we more of who we want to be or stuck in the same patterns of putting on a lie of who we want others to think that we are?

Sometimes when I look at other people's lives it makes mine feel inadequate.  I haven't quite gotten it "together" like they have.  It's ironic when I first started writing this post I had no idea where I was going, but now I get it...  It's easy to see with eyes from the outside looking in because I only see what you portray.  I only see who you appear to be.  Just like you see me.  It may look sparkly and golden from the outside, but we all know everything that glitters isn't gold. 

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

We have spent a mere 9 days in 2014 and already the winds of change are blowing.  It's amazing to me how much people take for granted and are willing to sever ties to be "right."

I used to be a huge fan of Dr. Phil (about 10 years ago) and I will always remember him saying "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?"

Life is short.  I want to be happy.  It is that simple.

It's been a not so pleasant week, so last night at around 10pm when a friend posted about going to Portland to get doughnuts it seemed like just the kind of adventure I needed.

At 11:30pm we left Kitsap on our way to Portland's famous Voodoo Doughnuts.  It's a mere 3 hours and some change away.  And yes all we did was drive there, eat some delicious doughnuts (as well as brought a box- or 4 home with us) and drive back.   We got home a little before 7am.  Although today proved to me that a) I can no longer stay up all night without feeling hungover the entire next day - even after a 4 hour "nap" and b) I will always appreciate an adventure.

As a wife and a mother I don't get to do too many spontaneous things.  My  life is structured and planned, so it was a nice reminder of the girl I used to be.  Life is in these small moments of gratitude: in not just finding a friend who is willing to drive 350 miles with you for some doughnuts, but finding someone who is willing to share their time (and love for food) to make silly memories and in the reality that at the end of the day I am blessed with warmth to come home to.

Life as I know it is changing around me, I can resist it or I can embrace it.  I can be right or I can be happy.  I choose happiness.  (and doughnuts... lots and lots of doughnuts)

What I want to be when I grow up...

This year marks 10 years from my college graduation.  I don't feel like I have done much with my life.  I don't quite remember the exact plans I had for myself.  (although I don't think they went beyond the summer after graduation)  But I definitely didn't think life would happen this quickly.

I was newly married (to my first husband) and reveling in the fact that after 18 years I didn't have to go to school anymore.  I thought I would take a break, get a job in an office and then go back to get my Master's degree when the time was "right."  That time still hasn't come.
  
I tend to look at other people's lives and measure mine at their standards.  It's not fair - to me or them.  I haven't walked in their shoes, made their sacrifices or saw their choices.  I see with eyes from the outside looking in.  I need to stop looking out and look inside.  I know every new year I think about how I can make my life better, how I can stop making excuses, how I can make my  own dreams real.  But it seems overwhelming... just trying to take inventory of myself and figure out just what my dreams really are.

At different times in my life they have been different things.  When I was in college I saw my end goal as being a Religion Professor.  I didn't have a plan of how to get there, I kind of just thought things would fall into place (20 something me was kind of a dreamer... with no concrete plans).  I married for the first time in the middle of my senior year, my husband at the time put my dreams of being anything but his wife on hold.  I can't blame him, staying home and being able to do whatever I wanted at my leisure seemed like a good deal.  (It ended up not being such a great deal, one of my very first "Everything that glitters isn't gold" realizations)


After I left him I held a few random jobs to make ends meet.  It wasn't until a few years later that I became really passionate about makeup.  I have worked off and on in the industry for the last handful of years.  While immersed in makeup at M.A.C. my dreams included one day being a Trainer, working in a fabulous city and doing celebrity makeup.

I still love makeup, but I don't feel like it's my "calling."  I don't dream of the things I did back then.  I'm not even really sure what I want to do and time is ticking away.  I'll be 32 this year and I have no idea what I want to do with my life.  It's frightening.

I thought I would have it together by now, that I would be who I would be.  But, it seems that in my measurement of my own life I just come up short handed...

I am overly cautious and afraid to take the necessary leap of faith and terrified of failing.  I don't want to be wrong.  But in protecting myself from these things, I am also holding myself back from amazing opportunities that I won't even allow myself to imagine.

Disclaimer: I would like to clarify here that I don't think my life is "empty."  The last 7 years have been full of some of the most amazing things I have experienced: the births of my children, marriage to my favorite husband, a handful of businesses, travel and the experience of life in its extremes.  I am grateful for the hard learned lessons as well as the blessings.